Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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