My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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