he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
