i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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