I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
