I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
