Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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