Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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