everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize