did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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