Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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