Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize