shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
