why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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