the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
