the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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