I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize