Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
