GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
