Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
