i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
