I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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