Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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