i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
