even my farts smell like vagina
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize