I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
