I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
