This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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