Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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