There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
