My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Every concussion has its silver lining
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
