Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I need water and some morals
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
