Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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