Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
