I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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