the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
