I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
