The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
