when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
