I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize