my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
