I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
