At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
