You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
