Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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