ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
