so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
