I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
