You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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