Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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