Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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