she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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