Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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