Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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