I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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