i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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