I wanna bring you to show and tell
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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