I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
