I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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